literature

the greatest WoW fanfiction

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Literature Text

Once upon a time there was a dog who was also human. She was called a worgen, I guess because doghuman was too long of a name. Anyway, her name was Alona and her favorite color was purple. She had violet hued orbs that constantly scanned her surroundings, and when she wasn't using them she put them in her pocket. Her fur was brown and her hair was black because she had no choice, all worgens are born that way.
Alona's favorite food is pizza.
One day Alona was walking through Stormwind, which is so named because storms are very windy in Azeroth and the first king was inspired by a strong gust that blue his top hat off. He was like, "I need to build a city, and we will name it Windstorm. But I think the orcs already took that name for their city so maybe we should change that to Stormwind instead." And Stormwind was born.
Anyway, Alona is walking through Stormwind and she punched Topper McNabb in the face because he's a bum that needs a job. Toppy McNabb was like, "I will call the police." But Alona used a conflagrate spell to melt his flesh to his bones. Everyone in the nearby auction house cheered because Topper finally shut the hell up.
On the way to the bank Alona told Donna and William, the two children constantly running and screaming through the streets of Stormwind, that Greatfather winter had told her they were both so naughty they were pretty much on the coal list for life. Actually, I think coal is used for some blacksmithing recipes so it might be valuable in WoW. So instead they're on the kobold turd list for life. As far as I know there's no uses for kobold turds yet, but who knows what alchemists will use in the next expansion. Anyway, that shut both of them up FOR GOOD. Yet again everyone in the auction house cheered, except for the worgen who sniffed blindly at the air instead. SNIFF SNIFF SNOOORF.
Alona liked to kill horde, but there were none in Stormwind because it's an alliance city. The alliance is made up of worgens, humans who are not worgens, dwarves, night elves, and hobbits. Dwarves like to drink beer, and it's pretty much a requirement for them to have beards. Like it says on the walls of Ironforge "your beard must be this long to enter." So a lot of the other races can't go there because hobbits have no body hair. The only way to sneak in is through the tram, but the one time Alona rode on it a creepy old man sat next to her and asked if she had found the old Gods yet. The tram's other side comes out in Windstorm.
Alona got some pizza at the local cheese shop and everyone in Stormwind was super jealous because pizza had only just been invented by Alona. Even the King wanted some pizza but Alona was like, "No dude you can't have any until you pay off the Stormwind harbor. Our credit rating got dropped a point percentage because we still owe on it."
Oh I forgot to mention, Alona is a warlock. That means she uses fel (evil) magic and demons. Her demons have really stupid names that I can't remember so I'm going to call the imp Bob, the felguard Steve, and I forgot what other ones she has because they don't get used anyway. Oh wait there's a felhound too named Spot.
So Alona was eating her pizza and walking to the exit of Stormwind. It was cheese pizza because peppers are disgusting. So she's eating and she's walking and all of a sudden like 80 horde people came through the gates because deathwing had blown them up a year ago. Wait no, like 800 horde people came through the gates right then.
The horde is a group of races that got together because they had a common interest in naming their cities "adjective noun." There was thunder bluff, a very thundery bluff which was home to the cow people of Nova Scotia. The undercity, which is basically a sewer and full of zombies. Not the George Romero kind, more like the Freddy Kreuger kind. Silvermoon which is a city full of David Bowie cosplayers and Orgrimmar, the home of the orcs. The orcs chose the name Orgrimmar because they were like, "I think the humans already took the name Stormwind." They were right.
Anyway there's 800 horde people staring at Alona and they're like, "So we meet again, Alona?"
Alona took our her violet orbed hues and scanned them with baited breath. When she was done baiting her breath she put the orbs back in her pocket and folded her arms over her chest. The pizza she had been holding went squish and ruined her robes.
The lead horde person is like, "Alona, you killed my father and destroyed all the chickens on my farm, so I amassed an army to make you pay!"
By that time they were having such a long dialog that like half the city guards had come out.
Alona was like, "Yeah I killed your father, whatever."
An tauren in the back was so moved by Alona's speech that he was like, "I can't do this anymore, she is just too intimidating." So he switched sides and was now on the alliance. Like 5 other horde people followed and an undead in the back gave up on life and died.
At this point the current king of Stormwind, king Varian Wind was standing next to Alona. He was still mad over the pizza, but he had all 5 of his swords out at the ready to help fight off the horde.
Alona looked at him and was like, "Nah dude, I got this."
And then it was like a scene out of 300. All these dudes rushed at Alona and she just stood there. After a few dramatic moments she reached into her robe pocket and pulled out…
A LASER GUN!
Pachew pachew! The shots rang out in the air! Horde fell left and right. Alona had her sunglasses on and just kept firing. After maybe 10 minutes all the hordes were dead and it was a huge mountain of bodies in front of the gates. Alona blew the smoke off her laser gun barrel and put it back into her robes.
"Thank you so much Alona, you are a true hero of the alliance." Said King Wrynn.
The crowd behind them cheered, and the master builder of the city named Stan Brickston came over and was like, "Thanks for all these bodies! We can use them to plug up the holes from Deathwing's attack!'
Deathwing is an big dragon and called himself the aspect of death with wings. Death+wings = Deathwing. Pretty creative huh? He's a boss in an upcoming raid and you gotta be pretty important to be a raid boss most times. He came to Stormwind one day and was like, "The orcs sent me here because they were made you stole their city name from them! RAAAGH!" and blew up most of the city. He even killed the druid trainer in the city park, what the hell? In all fairness though, the trainer should have shifted to bird and flown away before dying. Druids don't have a cast time on their travel forms so that night elf must have been pretty bad at playing.
So anyway that's my story about Alona. The bodies plugged up the holes in the gates and she was made honorary queen of Stormwind, which she renamed to its rightful name "Windstorm" soon after.
But then…Topper McNabb's hand bursted out of his grave!!!!
Not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty sure this is the greatest piece of WoW fanfiction ever written.


Note: This is tongue-in-cheek parody, every error was planned and intentional. It is meant as a joke. Please read it with the goal of laughing, not red penning.
© 2011 - 2024 SugarBonBonne
Comments13
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Revilarkofcairne's avatar
This is why I play this game. Made an account just to say how much I love this well-written story of a day in the life of Alona.